20 May

© Duncan Long

So, according to some evangelist, the world is going to begin to end on Saturday. And a bunch of believers are going to ascend into heaven, leaving us here to slowly die off over the next 6 months or so. I have been looking at this with much amusement having seen some of the bilboards, wrapped mobile homes, and some of the jokes about this.  Hell (pun intended), even last weekend we all decided to live this week to our debauched hearts content all in the name of Rapture!

But, over the last few days some of the articles about the people that hold this belief, are amazingly sad;

Imagine being these poor kids, whose parents believe this shit and are spending their life’s savings advocating it.  And, telling the kids that they won’t make it into heaven with them.  How fucked do you have to be to do that to your own children?

You have to look beyond the negative characterizations of just about everyone in this Phoenix article, but think about this quote:

Behind the wheel is Dan, a Wilford Brimley doppelganger in his early sixties, who recently shuttered his New Jersey construction business to ride the Rapture route full-time. Dan used to enjoy cognac, cigars, and prostitutes. But not anymore. He’s bracing to ascend into Heaven this Saturday… His wife and son cut off contact with him weeks ago, when he began pestering them about earthquakes that will shake the planet from May 21 until the Earth implodes five months later.

Are you fucking kidding me?!? You closed your business for this? You have caused your family to stop talking with you? I suppose on some level you have to admire someone to have such strong convictions for anything, let alone their faith in a higher power. Well, that is until you read that Dan “in the past, has proselytized as a Catholic, Jehovah’s Witness, Seventh Day Adventist, and member of the Worldwide Church of Christ. He also knows downtown; before climbing onto the Rapture wagon, Dan spent his Saturdays at Ground Zero, telling strangers that 9/11 was perpetrated by Zionist congressmen.” So, no. No admiration necessary. The guy is as crazy as I suspected all these people are.

I love the fact that these people have completely bought into this rapture scenario despite the fact that, Harold Camping, the guy making the predictions has made this same exact prediction previously.  But, it was supposed to happen in 1994… and didn’t (just in case there was any confusion).  Also, I suspect that these are the same people who believe in creationism over evolution.  Why am I surprised by this, Dan believes 9/11 was an inside job?!

So, although I feel bad for the families of these people.  I am going to look forward to Sunday.  I expect news of either mass suicides (best possible scenario – they become a paradox of their beliefs as their deaths become an example of survival of the fittest) or mass depression among their ranks.  And, I will mock them just as I have been all along.

Some funny tweets in relation to the rapture:

@gruber – “We believe what we want to believe, which means these crazy rapture fuckers want the world to end and for us to suffer and die. Cheers!”

@craigary – “Rapture prank: On Saturday, take some of your unwanted clothes and shoes and leave sets of them arranged on sidewalks and lawns around town.”

@Mike_Doughty_ – “I hope people who suspect they’ll suddenly vanish and get sucked up to heaven have the courtesy to not operate a motor vehicle this weekend.”

@JezebelTheGreat – “So there are people who believe they’re shooting into space like Boba Fett tomorrow, yet consider evolution to be too far-fetched. Huh.”

@elmorse – “I’ll make you a deal: if you’re wrong on the Rapture, we get gay marriage.”

@henryrollins – “During the Rapture, I will be on a plane. Do people in First Class get raptured before those in the economy section? What if you upgraded to First Class from Economy with miles? Does God know you didn’t pay full fare and give priority to those who did?  Should I bother to fill out the landing card?”

And… related?  @ebertchicago – “Zombie warning issued by Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. What you should do now. ”

I have a stronger belief that a Zombie Apocalypse is more likely than rapture, or heaven for that matter.  See you May 22nd, and beyond, mother fuckers.

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Posted by on May 20, 2011 in Random



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